My Laminated List: 2007 Edition!

You might be asking yourself what a "Laminated List" is. Well, according to the handy wikipedia, a Laminated List is...

...sometimes called a freebie list, is a short list of celebrities agreed on by a couple as so attractive to one partner that he or she has standing permission to sleep with any of them if the opportunity, however unlikely, ever arises. The idea was popularized by the TV series Friends, and has since become a larger trend, showing up for example on blogs and online forums.

The list is laminated to indicate that the names, once chosen, will not be changed. One convention is that the list include only celebrities and not friends or acquaintances, in order to make it more palatable to the creator's significant other--because the situation is unlikely and because there is no risk of bringing in personal feelings about real acquaintances.

I've always had more of what you would call "A Laminated Pool" as in A Pool of People, not written down on any list, that I would give myself permission to sleep with, IF THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE, however unlikely. In my mind's eye, it's also a sexy, warm swimming pool where these ladies play and frolic always inviting me to dive right in...

But I digress...

In the interest of passing another workday at "The Temp Job Where I Literally Do Nothing All Day" and of cleaning the clutter off of my mental desk (and because my lovely girlfriend is out of town and this is the perfect time to be a dirty, dirty dog!), I am hereby draining the pool and formally declaring my list. (I will laminate it later.)

Here goes!

1. Rosario Dawson



I mean, COME ON! This sexy little senorita has reigned supreme on my laminated list before there ever was one! I fast-forwarded through that shitty "Alexander" to just catch a glimpse of her astounding mega-rack and when I saw them, my chest clutched up like an old Chevy and I nearly fell to the floor dead, right then and there.
I won't look at that scene again. I barely survived it the first time. A second viewing would surely kill me.

2. Anne Heche



I know what you're thinking.
Anne Heche?!? ANNE "I THINK I'M GOD'S DAUGHTER, CELESTIA, ALSO I MIGHT BE A LESBIAN AND I FREQUENTLY HAVE MENTAL BREAKDOWNS" HECHE?!?
Yes, THAT Anne Heche.
Look friends, this isn't the "Girls I Want To Marry And Deal With For Life" List. It's the "Girl I'd Bang All Over A Luxurious Hollywood Hotel" List. And for a wild weekend of sexy-friction, I can deal with the well-documented, internationally-famous baggage that she brings to the table.
Anne Heche is hot. Super hot. Agelessly Sexy, Hot. And what's more, she looks even better as a brunette. After I saw "Birth", I first thought, "Damn, that's a fucked up movie" and then I thought, "Sure, I can see why that dude fucked Anne Heche. She's so hot, she smolders." I mean, just LOOK at her.

That sexy, sultry lady needs a few glasses of wine in her before her motor starts purring, but once it does, she and I are totally going to destroy that tasteful coffee table of hers.

From here on out, the list gets a little fuzzy as I'm making this up as I go along...

3. Ashley Robbins



I feel obligated as a healthy, heterosexual American man to include a single porn star on my list and this is the one that I've chosen.

Sure, I can think of one or two others. Heather Brooke looks like she knows a dirty trick or two. Keeley Hazel would talk dirty to you with an English accent, that's got to be like having hot English Toffee poured on your dick. But Ashley Robbins, formerly of the Czech Republic, is the porno Tilt-A-Whirl that I would very much like to take a ride on.

Look, I won't bother listing her many talents here. Google her when you get home (without the Safe Filter) on and you'll get an idea of what she's capable of. Experimental Home Gynecology is definitely on that list.

Lord A Mercy Mighty.

4. Claire Forlani



"Nice sleeper camper, kiddo. Scoot over. I'm comin' in."
Um, yes, well, Claire Forlani. A woman that really is retardedly beautiful. Her eyes, wow, they're like cat's eyes. Which is good. Because I want to fuck a cat, too.
But that's a different list, altogether.
I remember crushing hard on Claire Forlani when I saw Mallrats, a bazillion years ago. Forget Shannon Dougherty, Claire Forlani was the hottest chick in that flick.
Also, she's British. (see Keeley Hazel reference in the above entry)

I bet she cries when she orgasms. Look at her pouty eyes. You know she does...



See?

5. Jewell Staite



Long Time Readers of my blog can slap their hands to their foreheads collectively and say, "Of course, who DIDN'T see that coming?!?" Ms. Staite has made an appearance on this blog before.
But I still maintain that this sexy little kitten is best known as America's Girlfriend. The sweet, charming, vaguely naive girl that you want to take into your grandparents bedroom while they're at evening church and introduce the concept of the Gräfenberg spot to. There's a look on Jewel's face that always says, "That sounds dirty, but I wanna learn about it. Teach me." And of course, as a philosopher and a scholar, I want to do just that. Repeatedly. All Night Long. Or at least until my grandparents pull into the driveway!

And that's my Laminated List.

Of course, it's probably more than you wanted to know, but then again, this whole blog is full of things that you probably didn't want to know.

Sure, some late entries didn't make the cut. Uma Thurman. Thora Birch. Natalie Portman (representing the Waifish Contingent). You. But then again, this is just my list for 2007. I might give this thing an overhaul in Cock-tober of next year and see where the list stands then! A lot of starlets can have their asking price sufficiently lowered enough to pose for Playboy between now and then...

Cheers,
Mr.B